leaves falling

what are the instances that you'd go back to your ex-flame?

this was the question that bugged me for the whole night last Sunday..my mind seemed to worry about a lot of things lately and it was this issue that stood out amongst those things..

wanting to keep away from a migraine attack, i asked for a little help from my close friends..i sent them an SMS asking them what their answers would be for the question above..

most of them answered "if you still love that person, you'll never hesitate about giving a second chance"..they have a point, yes..but this really isn't that simple..

i remember a friend who once said "why would you ask for a second chance? what for? it didn't work out the first time then why ask for a second one?"..he has a point too..

i told my mountaineering buddy, john, about this (he was the one who willingly continued the discussion with me) and he said that a relationship always deserves a second chance..he reasoned out that the first time may just be an adjustment for both parties and that the break-up is one way of realizing mistakes and differences and the time apart is used to think about possible remedies..once the thought-collection is done, and the feeling remained the same (or in happier stories, 'the flame burning brighter'), then it's time for a second chance because love is still there..

i then asked, "so love is the reason? what's the difference with the first chance? love was there too but the relationship ended..second chances are sometimes not that good..people tend to abuse their partner's patience because they know they'll be given another chance..and don't you think that if a person fooled you once, he/she may be able to do it to you again?"

john knew where i'm getting at..he knew the discussion is about to fall to my ex-boyfriend..
he patiently explained things..

"cai, second chances are not just second chances..of course you need to consider a lot of things..now tell me a situation wherein you're confused about giving a second chance.."

i replied, "the other one told the other one to stay (i was trying not to make it obvious that it was my situation i'm trying to talk about)..then the other worked hard to somehow restore the relationship since she still love the guy..but the guy, he doesn't seem to be that sincere with what he said about wanting the girl to stay..no effort was seen (and felt) from him.."

then the discussion landed into how love is supposed to be a two-way street..give-and-take..john told me that if the feeling is not mutual anymore, then it's time to move on..

here it goes again..

time to move on..

why can't i ever say a new line? a line which i know would be good for me (and for all theose who care about me) to hear..perhaps something like "i've moved on.."?

i went back to the memory of how my dreams were shattered once agaain when he asked for another chance, years ago..

he went back to gensan to see me..during that time, i was already making progress on my "moving on" era after our break up..but he suddenly appeared telling me he wanted me back..i still love the guy then but i remembered the last news i've heard about him - he has a girlfriend..i then asked him about this, hoping he'll tell me that they're over..

he said, "yes, i still have a girlfriend.."

it means there can't be another chance for us..i looked away..

then he went on about his explanation about not being happy with her because it was I whom he still loves..

"why didn't you break up with her before you asked for me again?", i asked..

"i will be when i get back to manila.." he answered..

i knew better..it's obvious he doesn't want to lose..that either way, he'll never be left empty handed..and i'm proud of myself for being able to use my head before my heart that time..
then his girlfriend called me..she then knew that we met..she told me she's willing to let go of him so he can come back to me..but i told her that if ever he'll come back, i want it to be because he wanted to and not because he has to..i'm not willing to take back a man who's not willing to take a risk himself..

until now, i'm still thinking if i made the right decision..

john assured me it was for the best..he then asked me, "is that the kind of man you're going to give another chance? it was obvious from what he did that he's a loser and he's stupid..i know, cai, because i've done that too and it was one of my life's regrets..i lost the most important girl in my life because i've been such a jerk..think it over cai..for sure there are other guys out there worth your while..you have lots of friends praying for you.."

everything he said then made sense..and it's a bit ironic too that i was hearing this advice from him -a known player among our circle of friends..he's always being judged impartially, testifying only about the bad things he's done..but he's kindhearted, honestly..from the way he told me things, it shows he's learned a lot of lessons..the bad boy image will always be associated with his name but he doesn't seem to be bothered by that..

now i'm at the starting point again..and now, i'm finally letting go of that "second chance" i'm willing to give him..

i've become familiar with this feeling now..like a tree with leaves falling, i'm letting go of all hopes i had for me and my ex-boyfriend..but now, i'm looking forward for new leaves, new hopes, that will make my heart whole again..