it's a cloudy day

ive always been fascinated with how horoscopes can match one's situation. i grew up believing that those things were just fabricated so as to have a diversion from the daily news.



i stopped buying newsapers a year ago and only watch the news when i have spare time. i get my doze of the daily news from the internet. it's not because i really want to check the news (i confess, current affairs is not my forte). it has just become a routine that after i check my email inbox, i go to the newsbox..



what's funny though is that the website might have had a little glitch in their homepage. or maybe it is really how they do it (it's new that i forgot to get the link). maybe it has become normal that where there is news, there is horoscope. anyway, they have this "featured horoscope for the week"..and it's my sign: aries. it read:



"Are you truly into that person, or is it just your competitive streak that's motivating you? Wanting something just because someone else does (or because someone else has it!) isn't being true to your heart. "



whoa!



where did that come from? i may not want to admit it but this one really hit me between my eyes..



there's this guy introduced by a good friend (i still remember he said that this might help). okay, we see each other, exchange SMS, call, go out..things new friends do to get to know each other.



i had him introduced to some of my friends and well, they say he's just fine. he's very polite and all that..yeah, he's fine. but i don't know why i stil don't want considering we're dating (as what my teammates insist). the sparks just doesn't fly, i guess. but as another friend advised, don't drop it just too soon. fine. give it more time, cai. you haven't been in the field for quite some time so don't let a few -not-so-impressive -throws discourage you.



oh well. as i said, fine.



just last saturday we went out again with my gay friend, archie. and just like what my other friends had said, he commented that he's fine.



fine.



but archie's complete statement was "he's fine. it's just that you're not really focused about having a boyfriend just yet."



whoa! again..



the way he said that, it was as if my thoughts were written on my forehead that he easily read.



the question on the horoscope.



i aked my myself, "why am i doing this?"



answering myself, "it's because that's what some of your friends thought would be good for you..and to keep you away from dwelling into your past relationship to much..they're helping you to move on. you don't want them to worry about you too much."



only, i am now the one worrying about a lot of things.



i'm worried about disappointing my friends. especially those who knew what i've been through. i'm worried about what they'd say, like, "from this to that?" "what happened?" etc. etc.



it's not that i'm depending on my friends, letting them rule out my lovelife. no it's not. it's just that i value my friends too much. i give considerations to their opinions because somehow, they know what makes me happy. sometimes, they have a way of seeing things i can't. impartial judgement, something like that.



archie told me "your friends would understand. we will understand. why before, did you say anything about them having their boyfriends? do you give out unsolicited advices when they were the ones dating? no. but you were supportive. you considered what makes them happy. and now, i think if they're really you're friends, they'll stop and think, 'hey, it's cai's turn, she needs our support.'



yeah, support. no pressures.



the horoscope.



am i doing this just because evreyone else is attached so i also have to be with someone?



i really don't need one right now. i'm fine. really.



if i'm dating someone, i don't think it's an assurance that i'll be having a boyfriend right after.



yeah, i may have those times when i think about the past too much, but i get over it after a day. it comes and goes. no big deal.



the horoscope.



i'm not being true to myself? i go out with him because i just want to know him better and maybe find out something might work out for both of us, who knows? you can't know a person overnight so i guess that's just what i'm doing..if there's nothing, then, we're friends. after all, i didn't assure him anything.



having a boyfriend is really not my top priority right now.



that's for sure.