always something

something new

2011-07-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

sing me a new song..

what's with friday the 13th?

2011-05-19T02:51:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I feel a little bit down today..i went out of house feeling unsure of my mood..i was talking earlier to a friend and it appears that he’s throwing far too much emotions at me..so I told him frankly that I am not entertaining those issues at the moment..when he mentioned he’s interested, I laughed and I forgot it’s rude..well, the damage has been done but at least I didn’t beat around the bush and told him straight away not to continue with anything he’s planning..he said he’s ok with being friends with me though it may be a bit awkward for him but I don’t really care..

So, I went to the office early as I wanted to be able to finish some tasks..however, I don’t know what got into me but I really couldn’t get myself to be so motivated to work at the moment..will power issues, darn! Another thing to make the day worse, I left my phone at home..of all the things that I can forget..well, it never really mattered much as I won’t have anyone checking on me in the middle of the night and there’s no one I can check on during my shift..all the people in the outside world are sleeping and I don’t think there’s someone who would like to hear me disturb their peace..

Chris arrived an hour early for his shift and he reminded me that there’s a project that we needed to work on..so we went to Starbucks to brainstorm and it was very productive..we were able to come up with the most complicated incentive program for our department and that’s what I was working on the whole shift, well, some side tasks on the preparation of my last class’ binder audit, thankfully I have my apprentice Queeny who helped me out with those..

I felt soooo drained in the middle of the shift that I was really feeling soooo low already..i went to chris and told him that I’m really sad for no apparent reason..and to my surprise, he’s feeling the same way..haha..well, he’s feeling sad because he doesn’t have alovelife, that’s what he said..he even mentioned that he cried on the bus and can’t seem to move on from the song The Man that can’t be moved..

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving

I'm not moving

I called Pierre, the IT supervisor at the office for, wait, I don’t recall why he was there, but anyway, he saw that we, chris and I, are feeling a bit low..he asked what would cheer me up and I told him that I need Disney movies, lilo and stitch and beauty and beast and then some hazelnut ice cream..he found it weird and though I might be craving because I’m pregnant..well, that thought is really weird, can’t be possible..anyway, so I few hours later, he went back to my station with three hazelnut ice creams at hand with a card that says “cheer up cai!”..card was soo cute, it has a picture of a chubby kitten with a head dress..i could’ve finished all three ice cream but I shared them instead with chris and niko..and when they asked where It came from, I just gave them the smile..the i-didn’t-do-anyhting-it’s-just-that-I’m-reaally-charming smile and they already knew who bought it for me..so, we ate the ice cream, cheered ourselves for being so dedicated at work and loving it..

While we were on lunch earlier, chris mentioned that his ex texted him asking if he could have his camera and jacket back..i advised him not to give it back but instead give it away to someone else and just say he lost it..but chris wanted to do something else..i wasn’t able to completely figure it out but one thing is for sure, he kept thinking about it for two hours..yeah, chris, I know..

Then we went back to work, happy at the end of the day because despite the task overload, the people around us made it all easy to deal with..we could all find laughter in anything we do and that particular happiness is always shared ith the whole team..and with this thought, i realized that it’s not such a bad day at all..

the planner

2011-03-12T01:54:00.000-08:00

i was browsing through my Belle De Jour last night when I chance upon a page where it asked me to register online for membership to the BDJ circle..since i'm still not in the mood to review for my EDRE231 finals, i went ahead and checked the site..

it was actually a good site, something new for me, with the user interface so easy to navigate, i found myself actually filling up notes in there..after i've had enough of the two hours i spent there, i remembered i wanted to visit my blogspot..i know i made a promise ages ago that i'll be religious in writing that time..however, i don't what happened, i guess lazy bug just found it's way through my system that i never got a chance to write anything after that..but that's about to change now..

i know it might seem impossible to keep this journal updated what with school, work and social life to juggle everyday but i guess i'll just commit to writing here once a week or whenever i can..

for starters, i decided to be more organized with my categories..here goes:
Daypass - this will tell stories about how i survived a day, tough or not
Overheard - will about things i've overheard anywhere, may it be in MRT, a bus, movie house..wherever!
Catnip - stories about my baby cat, Luigi and his baby brothers who went to cat heaven already
Foodheart - anything about food, duh..

that's it for now..more categories will come but i have to narrow down my final list..first..

back again

2010-07-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

won't do something fancy here..i just wanted to write down whatever's on my mind..

oh wait, can't think of something in particular..my mind's still blurred from last night's shift..i'm dead tired from creating my powerpoint presentation for my report (which by the way i can't edit at the moment because of hell knows what that is), i wasn't able to sleep yesterday and then i have to go to work on a graveyard shift..

good thing i'm now counting down the days to this awful shifting schedule..i've been like this for almost four years and i think it's high time for me to grant what my body wants - a normal life. We know that we only live once so we've got to live like we're dying..but not this way..not this way..

i'm not complaining about how i lived my life for the last few years..i did choose to live it that way and believe me, i've had better days..it's just that, time has come for me to choose the path where i know i should've taken long ago..well, it's never the right time to find a new way..sometimes, you think it should be in future..sometimes you think, it should've been long ago..but i guess that doesn't matter anymore..what matters is that so arrived at that point where you realized you have to choose..right here, right now..there's never a perfect time..it will only seem perfect when it's a little too late..late or not, it's never perfect..nothing's perfect..except Him..

now where do i go? probably to the path the the wind only knows..

Who we are (by Zodiac signs) and more..

2009-07-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Ok..I think I already mentioned this in one of my blogs (years ago, I think) that I’m not really into astrology..but then they always say that it’s nothing harmful and that it’s just some sort of a guide-to-your-path thing and that you don’t have to really rely on it 100%..not really harmful if you really know what (or how?) to believe in..but before I get lost into the deeper tunnels of this astrological discussion, oh wait, I don’t want to get lost there, I don’t even want to get there, I just really wanted to write something about my zodiac sign and Ivan’s..and just see how close it is really to our personalities..

I’m an Aries and as my zodiac sign says, I’m THE DAREDEVIL.

Energetic. Well, yeah, thanks to Enervon-C. More Energy, Mas happy. But I think it should be the other way around. When you’re happier, you have more energy..don’t you think?

Adventurous and Spontaneous. Amen. This is me. Mountains and other tours. Love it! Adventures give me different kind of high..it’s a sweet drug for me..When I’m out there, I just feel so free! And I love my freedom, big time..spontaneous, yep, I do act upon sudden impulses..guilty as charged..

Confident and enthusiastic. Most of the time. I do have my shy-girl moments and my enthusiasm sometimes fluctuates.

Fun. I think all people have their funny side..it’s like something-good-in-every-person’s-heart thing..

Loves a challenge. Geez..I am so competitive..with amazing race and parlor games, hahahaha! “I’m in a race but I already won and getting there can be half the fun..”

EXTREMELY impatient. Comes with spontaneity. When I do things impulsively, I want to see results right away. But when in a classroom, it’s different. I am very patient with my students.

Sometimes selfish. Sometimes.

Short-fused (easily angered). But I am so good (really good) at controlling my temper..that’s good news!

Lively, passionate and sharp wit. Lively, see Energetic. Passionate, comes with being a teacher, I think. Sharp wit, is this associated with pang-aalaska, pambabara and pamimilosopo?

Outgoing. Uh-huh..most of the time friendly..

Loses interest quickly; easily bored. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Always one of the main reasons why a relationship would end.

Egotistical. As mentioned above, sometimes selfish. Yeah, I could sometimes be very opinionated.

Courageous and assertive. Daredevil. Self-assured that I can do a lot of things!

Tends to be physical and athletic. I may not look it, but I really am into activities that make my body move to the extreme.

Ivan is a Cancer. The Protector. My Protector.

Moody, emotional. Well, one minute we’re laughing and joking, the next one, he would be so silent because he thought I snapped at him when it was actually just a joke for me..but I learned my lesson: not all jokes..are jokes.

May be shy. Hmmm..just like me..

Very loving and caring. Hands down to this. He really is. If I would have to tell about all of those things, I would need to write another blog for that. Not enough space here, hehe..

Handsome. YES.

Excellent partner for life. For us, it will be infinity plus one..

Protective. 100%. But he lets me do things that I want to do even when it’s a bit risky..the thing about being a daredevil, it causes him to worry about me to the tenth power..

Inventive and imaginative. He’s got a very brilliant mind. From chemistry to 5-minute dreams. Ingenious.

Cautious. Uhmmm, are we talking about driving?

Touchy-feely kind of person. He always wants to hold my hand, give it a soft kiss, caress my cheeks, hug me. He wants me near him..and I love it that way..

Easily hurt but sympathetic….he’s very understanding..very..

Well, that’s the overview. There’s still a lot to know about us and I’m sure our friends would agree..hehe..

***

Last Saturday, we went to Megamall for the 4th Wedding Congress. It was the first wedding convention that we attended and we got overwhelmed with the things that we just realized we have to prepare. Thanks to Khim, our very kind and enthusiastic organizer (right, Khim? Love yah!), we were able to sort out our priorities. She helped us look into details and introduced us to potential suppliers. This is just the beginning. We’ve got more wedding conventions to attend and food-tasting events to attack, hahaha! Salamat, Khim!

***

Shout out to my Uno Animo family! I miss you all. Miss you more now that I’m back in the morning shift. Especially the morning girls. Our lunches together, EBP days, to TCC..

Tin; sorry I wasn’t able to watch your “interview”..I’ll just wait for the confirmation in Inquirer..hahaha!

Ate Vayie; I just want to ask if your camera phone misses me..wala tayong patawad..even if it’s just a fishball break, there was always a moment to capture..

Tetay; I’m still searching for PretZel’s complete name..we’ll find it soon..

Ate Jen; thank you in advance for being my wedding singer..yihee..tear ducts natin jan ha..

Khim; keep in touch..we have work to do..hehehe..

***

See yah!

anything goes..

2009-07-09T17:02:00.001-07:00

ok..so this week has been a bit deadly so far but i'm still alive..deadly because i'm in the graveyard shift..that 's due to the bulk updates that's coming from my Dublin counterparts and they're pouring in like hell..lately, ive been wishing that a day would have 36 hours so that i can finish all my tasks..i'm very stuffy when it comes to accomplishing all my tasks but lately, I haven't been able to because i don't have much time..or so i think..blame it on all the emails i receive with big red exclamation points on them..which means they have to be attended to right away..

one more working day and i'll get to rest my head..

***

enough about work..another thing that made my head spin this week was my daily ride..well, didn't really seem to mind before, but i just realized that these rides could sometimes get to you..last wednesday, as i was heading back home, i rode this tricycle which gives out a veeerrrryyy annoying sound/noice whenever 'manong' would slow down or make a turn..it's sooooo...grrrr! i would've shouted at the driver but i decided not to egg on my exasperation because in the end, i know that it won't make me feel any better..and i never shout when i'm angry anyway..

and yesterday, the jeepney driver's assistant wouldn't have given me my change if i haven't insisted..geez..he said that the fare is 10 pesos not 7 (jenny's-countryside)..i so much wanted to tell him "are you out of your freaking mind?" but no, i just told him "no, it's only seven pesos" and the driver agreed..same thing happened with the fx driver, tried to get 40 from me when it should only be 25..gosh, i am now starting to think that i'm really good at controlling my temper..

***

I haven't cooked anything at home for this week..for whatever mysterious reason, i just can't seem to drag myself into the kitchen this past few days..i'm sooo damn tired..i miss vegetables..i miss cooking for myself..whenever i get home, i would just wash up and go to sleep..and when i wake up, i would take a bath and prepare for work..i guess when you're in graveyard shift and you're all alone at home, you just can't seem to have time to cook..because the time that you'd spend preparing your food, you'd rather spend it sleeping..

really guilty..

***

good thing i have my WWF school tour..this time to Commonwealth Elementary School..it kept me sane somehow..and eventhough i'm so tired from work, the kids' laughter and liveliness gives me a different kind of energy that could get me through the day's lesson..

***

a sad note though, my closest friends at work are going, going, gone..and it infuriates me when i think about who started it..it was all her fault..she's the only one to blame..i didn't know that people like her really exist..

***

you may think this is a very silly thing but i did cry while i was looking at the pictures (yes, pictures not videos) of Michael Jackson's memorial service..yeah, i did cry..he made a big difference and he deserved all the love from his family, friends and fans..geez, i'm teary-eyed again..

***

that's it for now..see yah later!

Saturday 9

2009-07-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

1. What is your favorite 4th of July memory? (If you aren't in the U.S., then use your own national holiday.)
..that would be the Independence Day parade. When I was in elementary, I was part of the marching band (I play the lyre) and we march around the town in the scorching heat of the sun..and my dad would follow around, taking pictures of me and giving me cold soda after the show.
2. Do you consider yourself patriotic?
Yes, I do..

3. Do you like fireworks?
Uber! I used to watch fireworks display at MOA every Friday. Now, that I find it hard to go to MOA every Friday, I just watch recorded shows.
4. What are your plans for this weekend?
Should it be related to the 4th of July thing? Well, since it’s not the Independence Day here, I’ll just wait for fireworks display in YouTube.
5. Are you optimistic about the future?
Wow, this is getting deep..

6. Do you think everyone should serve in the military?
Oh no, don’t get me started on military service, PMA and all..no comment..
7. Would you support a constitutional ban on flag burning?
Yeah, why would anyone burn a flag?

8. What end of the political spectrum are you?
Uhmmmm…

9. Where do you get your news?
Newspaper and internet..

for my Ivan..

2009-07-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

grateful by stacie_twirl featuring Kara Ross jewelry

Grateful for the day you called my name
Ever since you walked into the door, it's never been the same
Mornings are brighter now, I'm not afraid
I wake up each day with a smile on my face

Everything seems super now
Things are turning inside and out
With a new pair of senses to go year round
It doesn't even matter if I'm up or down

Blues are bluer, smiles are brighter
It shows a tear whenever I watch the sunset paint the sky
I don't even mind walking under the rain
I never laughed like this before and I'm gonna say it once more

I'm grateful..

Friday Fill-in

2009-06-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

1. She had a great smile (Kristin Kreuk.

2. Starbucks tumbler is by my side, always.

3. I know this: poems by Elizabeth Browning.

4. Stand still. (Look pretty.)

5. These words apply to me: precocious, preposterous, perspicacious..and oh, nutty as a fruitcake! Hahaha!

6. Yesterday afternoon, the sun was shining. (in Calamba, Laguna)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being with Ivan and meeting our mountaineering buddies (High Conquerors), tomorrow my plans include watching Transformers 2 with Ivan and buying a book and Sunday, I want to finish the 5K marathon!

a fresh start

2009-06-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

a fresh start by stacie_twirl featuring Kara Ross jewelry

Friday Question # 1

2009-06-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

Are you a breakfast eater? If yes, what is your typical breakfast?

For me, that would be wheat bread with corned beef and mayonnaise plus cereal drink (sweet corn flavor) and orange juice..that's my typical breakfast..a grand one would be steamed rice with viand plus ripe mangoes and iced chocolate drink..milk tea (vanilla) would be great too..

The Triple Filter Test

2009-06-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,

"Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test."

"The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

Replied Socrates "Well," "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

http://www.maranao.com/index.phpoption=com_easygb&Itemid=101&limit=50&limitstart=350

guess who's back..back again..

2009-06-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

cai is back..

tell a friend..

insufferable know-it-all

2008-01-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

Just remembered about a “cyberspace entity’ that Ate Vayie and Ate Joyce mentioned this past few days..he’s been bugging both of them for some time now and I can’t seem to find an exact definition of how annoyed they are already of this “cyberspace alien”..

He gives comments to my friends’ blogs and sometimes address them - first name basis..Ate Vayie wasn’t too happy about that.. I mean, who would be? Someone who seem to know a lot about you, the people around you, and you don’t know that person..its scary..it’s like having a deranged stalker..

It’s not nice, you know..

Sometimes you just have to respect other peoples stuff..if that “cyberspace poltergeist” is reading this, hey, you should know my friends are really not happy with what you’re doing..they don’t mind if you give a comment or two with what they write, but you have to know when you’re already crossing the line..they don’t know you and say something as if you know them..you don’t know you’re already hurting them..how would you feel if the same thing would be done to you?

I’ll say it again, it’s not nice..

Another thing, you seem to know a lot about other people’s stuff (salaries, nature of work, etc..) and I don’t know if it’s good for you or not..it’s up to you..but then again, if you have something too much to say, why not write it on your own site? You have to be aware that some information you write on my friends’ blogs might land them to some serious investigation and they definitely don’t want to be on such situation..you’re putting their jobs at risk as well, I hope you know that..I guess you do because after all you’re an insufferable know-it-all..

To Ate Vayie and Ate Joyce, constant vigilance..we don’t know what this person is up to..he might just be an avid reader of your blog but I understand that having “cyberspace stalker” can be quite distressful too..However, I gather you’ve already taken the safety precautions advised by our experts..please do let me know if I can be of any further assistance..hehehehehehe..

Hey, “cyberspace shadow”, play fair..

looking forward to this..

2007-10-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Hahahahaha!

I’m going home..to the place where I belong…

Yeah! I’m going home, to GenSan. I’ll be spending my vacation leave there and I’m so excited. Can’t wait to see my family and friends! And of course, “him”..hehehehe…

Actually my plan would be to go to Davao del Norte to see my parents but it turns out that they’re in Leyte (geez..) for some family matters. My mom called me up last night and told me that they’ll just try to visit me here by December. I’m kind of disappointed because the main purpose I’m going home is to surprise them on their wedding anniversary this Monday. Well, I just have to think of a new surprise for them when they come this December.

I’ll be leaving this Saturday. On Sunday, I’ll be attending the christening of my barkada’s baby. Take note, she’s my tenth godchild. Yep. I have ten godchildren already. Guess that leads you to think that I’m gonna be hiding for Christmas, hehehehe..

On Monday, I’ll be going to Glan in Sarangani Province to have some time at the beach. Accommodations courtesy of another close friend, Betchai, who owns a private white-sand beach in that place and I’ll be staying there for three days. It’s just so cool! I really am too excited.

On Thursday, I’ll go back to GenSan, visit some college buddies and go play tennis. On Friday, I’ll be joining the semi-national climb to Mt.Magdiwata in Agusan del Norte. Oh, I miss the mountains in the south. It’s gonna be a three-day activity so I’ll be on the mountains until Sunday. Heaven! By Monday, time to go back to the big city.

Well, I’ll do my best to write about my vacation when I get back.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

these dreams

2007-09-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

I came to this site while searching the internet for dream interpretation months ago. It instantly became my most visited site. You see, I have always been fascinated with matters about our abstract selves. I would have taken up AB Psychology when I was in college but due to the course’s unavailability in my university, I wasn’t able to. However, it didn’t stop me from searching for more theories, facts and studies about the subject.

Lately I’ve been interested in dream interpretation. I think most of us is interested about knowing what our dreams meant. I’ve read from a book that a person would have at least five dreams every night. People may say they didn’t dream the night before but in fact, they did. (I remember counting my dreams before and it’s true that we have five dreams every night.) It’s just hard to remember dreams. Sometimes when we wake up from a dream and we try to remember what it is, we almost can’t. It’s like keeping water in the palm of your hands; the more you try to think of it, the more the details fade.

From Wikipedia:

Dream is a word used to describe the subconscious experience of a sequence of images, sounds, ideas, emotions, or other sensations usually during sleep, especially REM sleep.

Both Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung identify dreams as an interaction between the unconscious and the conscious. They also assert together that the unconscious is the dominant force of the dream, and in dreams it conveys its own mental activity to the perceptive faculty. While Freud felt that there was an active censorship against the unconscious even during sleep, Jung argued that the dream's bizarre quality is an efficient language, comparable to poetry and uniquely capable of revealing the underlying meaning.

Fritz Perls presented his theory of dreams as part of the holistic nature of Gestalt therapy. Dreams are seen as projections of parts of the self that have been ignored, rejected or suppressed. Jung argued that one could consider every person in the dream to represent an aspect of the dreamer, which he called the subjective approach to dreams. Perls expanded this point of view to say that even inanimate objects in the dream may represent aspects of the dreamer. The dreamer may therefore be asked to imagine being an object in the dream and to describe it, in order to bring into awareness the characteristics of the object that correspond with the dreamer's personality.

To read more about this, click here.

I tried to keep track of my dreams these past few days and I managed to remember the objects in those dreams of mine and had them checked through the site I mentioned in the first paragraph of this post. Here are the interpretations:

Lock
To see a lock in your dream signifies your inability to get what you want or being kept out. Perhaps an aspect of yourself is locked up inside and needs to be expressed.

Key
To see a key in your dream symbolizes opportunities, access, control, secrets, or responsibilities. You may be locking away your own inner feelings and emotions.

Towel
To see or use a towel in your dream, suggests that you need to deal with your emotions in order to move forward in your life. You need to find some sort of a resolution. Alternatively, it represents completion, a fresh start and new transition.

Dessert
To see a tasty dessert in your dream represents indulgence, celebration, reward, or temptation. You are enjoying the good things in life.

IceCream
To see or eat ice cream in your dream denotes pleasure and satisfaction with your life. It is also an indicative of good luck and success in love.

Tea
To dream that you are making or drinking tea represents satisfaction and contentment in your life. You are taking your time with regards to some relationship or situation.

As you may have noticed, it seems that this past week, I have this so called “suppressed feelings” and it has to come out. I was actually confused and curious as to what this suppressed feeling might be. It was only this morning that I found out what it was. It’s annoyance for a friend. Well, I need to find a resolution for this as what my dreams suggested.

On the other hand, it seems that I am enjoying life at the moment, being satisfied and all that. I think it’s because the previous problem I had has now been resolved and of course, the new love life.

I suggest you try to check your dreams too. You know, when you’re confused and at a loss, dreams sometimes give us answers, or at least lead us to it. What we can’t do in our conscious state of mind, we sometimes release in our dreams and it gives us a picture of what we wanted to do, need to do, should do, could do, and at times, will do. Interpreting our dreams can be a way of knowing yourself deeper.

Dream on!

done with the test

2007-09-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

hi everyone!

hehehe..it's been a while I haven't posted anything..I've been a bit pre-occupied about friendship and lovelife issues..hehehehe..

good news! Mackie and I had a heart to heart talk about my lovelife..well, you know what I'm talking about..just read my Dear Friends post..

I'm actually touched at the thought that he initiated the talk..we had no communication after the last phone call we had, wherein we talked about my relationship with Terrenz, which resulted to a mild "tampuhan"..as you know, Mackie's really not in favor of Terrenz..

after two weeks, he asked how I'm doing..I was glad that he was talking to me again, but I decided not to bug him about his consideration about my decision regarding Terrenz..he seemed to be in good mood and I don't want to spoil it..

but then he asked:

"any progress about the two of you?"

I was surprised. I never thought he'd ask..given the way he expressed total disapproval of the relationship, I would've expected him to talk about something else..anything except that..

"you may not like what you hear..i don't want to spoil your mood.." I said.

he replied, "who told you I don't want to hear anything about it? and what made you think it's gonna spoil my evening? You haven't even said a thing and you're already assuming.."

"are you sure it's okay?", I asked.

"come on..no matter how much we try to avoid not to talk about it, there will still come a time wherein we'll talk about it..go on, tell me..no moods will change.." , he said..

"promise we'll still be bestfriends no matter what you hear? that you'll never cast me away, disown me, hate me, forget me, leave me?"

"looks like a pledge for presidency..yeah, I won't.."

"bestfriends for all eternity?"

"yeah, friends..whatever.."

"BESTFRIENDS, mac, you have to promise..", I insisted..

"ok, ok, bestfriends for ever..now tell me about you and Terrenz.."

a minute of dead air..I was hesitant and I'm scared of violent reactions..but, I have to tell him..

"we're on..he's my boyfriend now.."

"happy?", he asked

"not until you tell me it's ok with you..", I answered.

"you're so silly..remember what I told you before?"

"..that you'll always be there to support me, no matter what..?"

"exactly..that's happening..I'm happy for whatever, whoever, makes you happy..the case with Terrenz, ok, I may have reacted differently when the issue first came up, but hey, it's ok with me..I respect your decision but just don't force me to like him..however, I'll still be here for you.."

"thanks, mac"..

I was relieved..it's really good that we finally got through another test of friendship..I was so scared that I might make a wrong decision but hey, risks are not always that bad and with my case, taking risks doesn't always end up badly..when challenges arise, it's not always wise to just stay on your comfort zone..you have to face it and try to figure a way out..it may take some time, but then again, patience is a virtue..

I would like to give credit to Terrenz who also played a big part for the resolution of this problem.. he was the one who told me to just give Mackie some time..he assured me Mackie won't let me down just like that..after all, they're buddies and they know each other somehow..they may not still be in good terms now but they'll eventually sort things out between themselves, he said..one of these days..

I know this is not the happy ever after of this chapter..it's just started..however, I'm not that scared anymore.. =)

could be wrong

2007-09-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

If I could hold your hand
Look into your eyes

Would you try to understand

The things I'm gonna say?

If I could show you boy

How much I feel for you

Would you turn around

And tell me you feel the same way too?

Could be wrong you know

Coming out the blue

I really have to say this

Baby I LOVE YOU

If I could get it right

And tell you face to face

Would you think that I am true?

Believe me when I say

I wanna let you know

I just don’t know the way

I wanna shout it out

Hear me when I say

These blues will always hang around

Until the moment I let it go

And let you know

I wanna let you know

I just don’t know the way

I wanna shout it out

Hear me when I say

Baby I love you

I wanna let you know

Baby I love you

This you oughta know

dear friends

2007-08-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

This past week, I have been feeling a bit confused again..a new romance is ready to bloom in my life however, it appears that it is not that easy as it seems..

Mine is not a case of unreciprocated love or anything that concerns about the feelings I have for my guy..it is about the support I’m expecting from my two closest friends..Mackie and Jobert..

It’s been quite a while I haven’t had a boyfriend (four years to be exact) and my friends Mackie and Jobert were always there to help me move on..what’s ironic is that now that I seem to have found someone, they’re hesitant about accepting the fact that I’m going to have a boyfriend sooner than they think..like a father unwilling to give away his daughter on her wedding day..that’s exactly what they’re showing lately..

I still can’t seem to understand why they’re acting that way..Terrenz is one of our mountaineering buddies (Mackie, Jobert and myself are members of the same mountaineering club) and has been a good friend since college days..they’re actually "tropa" and they know him well..i know him well too..

When they found out that Terrenz is courting me, they started to be a bit negative about him..telling me stories about his bad side..there’s nothing wrong with that..i actually find it helpful because I could get to know more about him..but then, it’s beginning to appear like they’re telling only bad things about him..and I think it’s really unfair..

I value my friends a lot..especially those I have an extraordinary friendship with..I know that I shouldn’t always be dependent on them when making decisions but as much as possible I want them to be part of the new happiness I found..I just want the blessing of my very good friends..

*sigh*…I think I need my iced chocolate drink now..I pray that this won’t come to the point where I have to choose my friends over my love life..or vice versa..

what hurts

2007-08-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

i sent out a survey to my team mates which includes top five hurtful lines said to you..i was already done with the first three and as i was thinking about the last two, something just crossed my mind..

time space warp to April 14, 2007, Shangrila Plaza, Mandaluyong..

i'm meeting with lloyd to get the cd for the pictures i had when i went to baguio (ok, more specifically when he asked me to visit him at PMA)..he promised he'd send it to me but he wasn't able to so he arranged for a meeting so that he could give it to me personally..

when we met, the first thing he said was: "ba't ba nakasimangot ka na naman? sa tuwing magkikita na lang ba tayo eh nakasimangot ka?"

i was speechless.. i didn't know how to react because i also realized that i was indeed scowling, frowning (anything that's opposite a happy face)..and then i recalled all those times we met post-relationship and i'll say it again, i was indeed not projecting a pleasant face during those times..

i tried to remember why..it wasn't because he was late, or he's wearing something not pleasing to the eyes, or he changed the venue..i think it was because of the hopelessness i felt about our situation..it was like i'm hanging in a moment not defined by time..it was like everytime we see each other, im going to a place full of frustrations..

it's what i always felt..

because i'm hurt..

now, i think i really can't fill up the last two lines for the survey since i realized that i wasn't really hurt by any lines said..it was him..and the situation that made me feel hurt..

it's over now and i've moved on..i know i shouldn't think much about the past but it's not bad that i sometimes remember those things..

*for storyline, check here.

shine the light

2007-08-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

there's a cloud hovering over my teammates lately..something not nice..well, i guess there really will be times when life hits on all lows..

our team has always been cheerful since day one..we may get sidetracked sometimes but we get back on the main road very easily..one reason why i love staying with my team is that we're always positive on a lot things..we help each other out and everything will be fine..understanding is not hard to find...and give..a lot of opportunities have knocked upon our doors, but when it meant leaving the team, we hesitate..talk about close family ties..

back to what i was saying earlier, things are a bit "cloudy, gloomy" lately..problems here and there..it's not that it's bad..it just makes me feel sad..for one thing, it's because i can't seem to do anything to cheer them up..sometimes, it feels like i can't seem to say anything good or sweet enough to make them smile..=(

i remember what my mom told me when i was still a little girl: "when you have a friend who's sad, you don't always have to do something to make them forget their worries or problems..sometimes, just being there for them and listening to them is a great help already.."

i think so too..

and i'm always willing to listen..

to my teammates who are on a rough road right now, you'll get through..i may not know the right words (or how to say the right words) to make you feel alright but i'm always praying for you..talk to Him to..He's still the best friend we can turn to..

love yah!

start of something new

2007-08-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

just decided to have a blog makeover..hehehe..i'm not yet done though..i still have to ask for ate vayie's help in choosing a new look for my page..she's an expert and i can't wait to see the results..i'm sure i'll be blogging more often after this..

see yah!

saturday afternoons

2007-06-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

one of the few songs that really makes my day..it reminds me of those weekend afternoons during my college days when my girlfriends and i would gather at the balcony of our apartment..

memories of our favorite music, girltalks, paintings, love stories, iced tea, cookies, laughters, nail polish, broken hearts, novels, artworks, and cameras..we love bands and dancing, but we're not much into bar hopping..we have a very simple idea of fun..that is strengthening the friendship bond by spending quality time with each other..

i really miss those times..because way back then, they always made me feel secured..those bonding sessions gave us an optimistic vibe..that college days won't seem that tough because we'll always have each other no matter what..

this song also reminds me of being carefree girl..loving the wind and smiling from the heart..

check it out, you might like it too.. =)

Put Your Records On (Corinne Bailey Rae)

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

it's a cloudy day

2007-06-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

ive always been fascinated with how horoscopes can match one's situation. i grew up believing that those things were just fabricated so as to have a diversion from the daily news.

i stopped buying newsapers a year ago and only watch the news when i have spare time. i get my doze of the daily news from the internet. it's not because i really want to check the news (i confess, current affairs is not my forte). it has just become a routine that after i check my email inbox, i go to the newsbox..

what's funny though is that the website might have had a little glitch in their homepage. or maybe it is really how they do it (it's new that i forgot to get the link). maybe it has become normal that where there is news, there is horoscope. anyway, they have this "featured horoscope for the week"..and it's my sign: aries. it read:

"Are you truly into that person, or is it just your competitive streak that's motivating you? Wanting something just because someone else does (or because someone else has it!) isn't being true to your heart. "

whoa!

where did that come from? i may not want to admit it but this one really hit me between my eyes..

there's this guy introduced by a good friend (i still remember he said that this might help). okay, we see each other, exchange SMS, call, go out..things new friends do to get to know each other.

i had him introduced to some of my friends and well, they say he's just fine. he's very polite and all that..yeah, he's fine. but i don't know why i stil don't want considering we're dating (as what my teammates insist). the sparks just doesn't fly, i guess. but as another friend advised, don't drop it just too soon. fine. give it more time, cai. you haven't been in the field for quite some time so don't let a few -not-so-impressive -throws discourage you.

oh well. as i said, fine.

just last saturday we went out again with my gay friend, archie. and just like what my other friends had said, he commented that he's fine.

fine.

but archie's complete statement was "he's fine. it's just that you're not really focused about having a boyfriend just yet."

whoa! again..

the way he said that, it was as if my thoughts were written on my forehead that he easily read.

the question on the horoscope.

i aked my myself, "why am i doing this?"

answering myself, "it's because that's what some of your friends thought would be good for you..and to keep you away from dwelling into your past relationship to much..they're helping you to move on. you don't want them to worry about you too much."

only, i am now the one worrying about a lot of things.

i'm worried about disappointing my friends. especially those who knew what i've been through. i'm worried about what they'd say, like, "from this to that?" "what happened?" etc. etc.

it's not that i'm depending on my friends, letting them rule out my lovelife. no it's not. it's just that i value my friends too much. i give considerations to their opinions because somehow, they know what makes me happy. sometimes, they have a way of seeing things i can't. impartial judgement, something like that.

archie told me "your friends would understand. we will understand. why before, did you say anything about them having their boyfriends? do you give out unsolicited advices when they were the ones dating? no. but you were supportive. you considered what makes them happy. and now, i think if they're really you're friends, they'll stop and think, 'hey, it's cai's turn, she needs our support.'

yeah, support. no pressures.

the horoscope.

am i doing this just because evreyone else is attached so i also have to be with someone?

i really don't need one right now. i'm fine. really.

if i'm dating someone, i don't think it's an assurance that i'll be having a boyfriend right after.

yeah, i may have those times when i think about the past too much, but i get over it after a day. it comes and goes. no big deal.

the horoscope.

i'm not being true to myself? i go out with him because i just want to know him better and maybe find out something might work out for both of us, who knows? you can't know a person overnight so i guess that's just what i'm doing..if there's nothing, then, we're friends. after all, i didn't assure him anything.

having a boyfriend is really not my top priority right now.

that's for sure.

leaves falling

2007-06-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

what are the instances that you'd go back to your ex-flame?

this was the question that bugged me for the whole night last Sunday..my mind seemed to worry about a lot of things lately and it was this issue that stood out amongst those things..

wanting to keep away from a migraine attack, i asked for a little help from my close friends..i sent them an SMS asking them what their answers would be for the question above..

most of them answered "if you still love that person, you'll never hesitate about giving a second chance"..they have a point, yes..but this really isn't that simple..

i remember a friend who once said "why would you ask for a second chance? what for? it didn't work out the first time then why ask for a second one?"..he has a point too..

i told my mountaineering buddy, john, about this (he was the one who willingly continued the discussion with me) and he said that a relationship always deserves a second chance..he reasoned out that the first time may just be an adjustment for both parties and that the break-up is one way of realizing mistakes and differences and the time apart is used to think about possible remedies..once the thought-collection is done, and the feeling remained the same (or in happier stories, 'the flame burning brighter'), then it's time for a second chance because love is still there..

i then asked, "so love is the reason? what's the difference with the first chance? love was there too but the relationship ended..second chances are sometimes not that good..people tend to abuse their partner's patience because they know they'll be given another chance..and don't you think that if a person fooled you once, he/she may be able to do it to you again?"

john knew where i'm getting at..he knew the discussion is about to fall to my ex-boyfriend..
he patiently explained things..

"cai, second chances are not just second chances..of course you need to consider a lot of things..now tell me a situation wherein you're confused about giving a second chance.."

i replied, "the other one told the other one to stay (i was trying not to make it obvious that it was my situation i'm trying to talk about)..then the other worked hard to somehow restore the relationship since she still love the guy..but the guy, he doesn't seem to be that sincere with what he said about wanting the girl to stay..no effort was seen (and felt) from him.."

then the discussion landed into how love is supposed to be a two-way street..give-and-take..john told me that if the feeling is not mutual anymore, then it's time to move on..

here it goes again..

time to move on..

why can't i ever say a new line? a line which i know would be good for me (and for all theose who care about me) to hear..perhaps something like "i've moved on.."?

i went back to the memory of how my dreams were shattered once agaain when he asked for another chance, years ago..

he went back to gensan to see me..during that time, i was already making progress on my "moving on" era after our break up..but he suddenly appeared telling me he wanted me back..i still love the guy then but i remembered the last news i've heard about him - he has a girlfriend..i then asked him about this, hoping he'll tell me that they're over..

he said, "yes, i still have a girlfriend.."

it means there can't be another chance for us..i looked away..

then he went on about his explanation about not being happy with her because it was I whom he still loves..

"why didn't you break up with her before you asked for me again?", i asked..

"i will be when i get back to manila.." he answered..

i knew better..it's obvious he doesn't want to lose..that either way, he'll never be left empty handed..and i'm proud of myself for being able to use my head before my heart that time..
then his girlfriend called me..she then knew that we met..she told me she's willing to let go of him so he can come back to me..but i told her that if ever he'll come back, i want it to be because he wanted to and not because he has to..i'm not willing to take back a man who's not willing to take a risk himself..

until now, i'm still thinking if i made the right decision..

john assured me it was for the best..he then asked me, "is that the kind of man you're going to give another chance? it was obvious from what he did that he's a loser and he's stupid..i know, cai, because i've done that too and it was one of my life's regrets..i lost the most important girl in my life because i've been such a jerk..think it over cai..for sure there are other guys out there worth your while..you have lots of friends praying for you.."

everything he said then made sense..and it's a bit ironic too that i was hearing this advice from him -a known player among our circle of friends..he's always being judged impartially, testifying only about the bad things he's done..but he's kindhearted, honestly..from the way he told me things, it shows he's learned a lot of lessons..the bad boy image will always be associated with his name but he doesn't seem to be bothered by that..

now i'm at the starting point again..and now, i'm finally letting go of that "second chance" i'm willing to give him..

i've become familiar with this feeling now..like a tree with leaves falling, i'm letting go of all hopes i had for me and my ex-boyfriend..but now, i'm looking forward for new leaves, new hopes, that will make my heart whole again..